A previous SFE candidate and now friend, Chad asked me something important this week in response to the last newsletter about my favourite shoes and the existential trip that took me on.
That’s where we are in 2025 – finding profound meaning in discontinued footwear.
But he asked me a question that cut deeper than the usual about growth mindsets.
He asked about the kind of life that throws you out of your comfort zone not by choice, but by circumstance, so often that discomfort becomes your baseline.
I’m glad he asked because there’s a difference between choosing your challenges vs having them chosen for you and what that might mean in terms of “getting out of your comfort zone”.
Life presents two paths out of comfort:
- The challenges thrust upon us: Circumstantial Displacement
These are things like childhood traumas, chaotic family life, unexpected losses and persistent instability. The kind of disruption that rewires your nervous system from an early age, making hypervigilance feel like normalcy.
- The challenges we choose: Intentional Post-Traumatic Growth
These are the training programs, career shifts, and conscious evolution. The calculated risks we take for defined rewards.
Most growth literature focuses on the second path.
But what about those who’ve never known stable ground? Those of us who’ve been adapting, shifting, and surviving since before we had words for what was happening?
The Hidden Toll
Constant adaptation carries a price. When your nervous system learns early that safety is temporary, you develop a complex relationship with stability.
Any peace feels provisional.
Any comfort seems like the calm before another storm.
Some recognize themselves in this pattern. They notice their perpetual readiness for the next disruption and maybe even feel guilty when stability arrives. All of that mixed with the gnawing certainty that it won’t last.
Research shows that early exposure to uncertainty creates highly adaptable humans.
But adaptability and wellbeing can follow different paths. Like a tree grown in constant wind, you become stronger in some ways, more fragile in others.
Your nervous system learns to navigate chaos with remarkable skill. Yet the ability to actually rest and relax remains elusive.
Finding Solid Ground
Too many people in this line of work or those who see “growth” as a hobby might mistake the path forward to be about the challenge. It’s not exactly about that.
In my opinion, the true path of growth is more about having a stable relationship with uncertainty where your capacity for handling challenges runs deep but it’s not your primary mode of operation.
Consider:
- Where can you create small pockets of predictability?
- How might you differentiate between helpful growth and unnecessary strain?
- What would it feel like to choose stability sometimes, even when your instincts push for movement? That’s a tough one.
Also consider this:
There’s wisdom in your weariness. Feeling fatigue with too much “growth” and change? Your system knows what it needs. That part of you asking for rest deserves your attention.
A Different Kind of Strength
The strength developed through unchosen challenges holds unique qualities, different from intentional growth. That kind of strength is deeper, more instinctive, but carries a higher cost.
Understanding this distinction helps transform survival patterns into conscious choices.
For those shaped by early instability, growth might look like creating safety. It might sound paradoxical but just consider the amount of courage it takes to create a life for yourself that looks and feels completely different than what you grew up with.
In this circumstance, growth might look like deliberately choosing boredom. Who knew?
True resilience encompasses both weathering storms and knowing when to find shelter. If you’ve become too comfortable with the first part then maybe life’s inviting you to practice the second.
Cheers,
Jeff Depatie