Conflict can feel chaotic, but what if it’s more structured than it appears?
Conflict actually unfolds across 7 layers, each with distinct roots and influences. When we see the anatomy of conflict through these layers, we gain new insights that transform tension into understanding and growth.
When my wife Jess and I first started dating, we learned this concept from our friends Bryan Franklin and Jennifer Russel.
And it’s an important piece of knowledge to have if you ask me.
I think it’s true that frameworks like this aren’t the easiest to access when things are feeling heated.
We’re human.
But it can absolutely bring a level of self awareness to conflicts that otherwise might feel like a reactive mess.
There are 7 layers and they go from the deepest, past influences to the ones rooted in our present and future selves.
Layer 1: Lineage Consciousness
This foundational layer is shaped by our shared, inherited history. It’s the trauma, resilience, and lessons of our lineage that live on in us.
When we feel triggered by issues that seem larger than ourselves, we might actually be tapping into the collective memory of past generations. The issue may not even really be about what’s happening in your present moment.
For instance, a visceral response to themes of oppression or freedom may resonate deeply because it mirrors your lineage’s struggles. Where are your people from? What did they go through? These things live on in us.
Bringing awareness here allows us to acknowledge and begin to actually address these inherited emotional patterns so we don’t pass them on.
Layer 2: Adaptation Patterns
These patterns are survival strategies we instinctively formed in childhood that can become automatic responses in conflict situations.
- Leaving: Withdrawing physically or mentally from conflict, often due to weak boundaries or feeling overwhelmed.
- Merging: Seeking support or validation from others, indicating a need for connection or reassurance in conflict.
- Enduring: Becoming passive, or stoic, often in response to feeling restricted or controlled.
- Aggressive: Projecting anger outward, confronting others directly to assert control or defend against perceived threats.
- Rigid: Creating internal boundaries by tightening up, often to suppress emotions and conform to external standards.
Recognizing which patterns we brought from infancy helps us consciously choose more balanced responses for the adult version of ourselves. Check out this book for a deeper dive on these patterns.
Layer 3: Personal Historical Pain
This layer encompasses unresolved pain from our own past experiences, especially those from childhood. It’s the layer where old wounds color our present-day interactions.
For instance, if we experienced rejection as children, we may react strongly to anything resembling it today.
By identifying the wounds that resurface in conflict, we can start to address them with maturity, instead of letting them influence our reactions unconsciously.
Layer 4: Power, Control, & Projection
This is where we unconsciously seek to establish a position to make sense of how we’re feeling:
- The Victim: We might place ourselves in a victim role to justify feeling powerless or to elicit sympathy, inadvertently making others out to be perpetrators or villains.
- The Hero: Some people feel compelled to “rescue” others, which can create a feeling of superiority and distract from their own vulnerabilities.
- The Villain: We might view the other person as a villain to justify our anger or frustration, allowing us to avoid examining our own role in the conflict.
These roles create a kind of “storyline” in the conflict which makes it difficult to see things clearly or address the root issue.
By moving from casting roles and projecting fears to recognizing our own vulnerabilities and motivations, we can begin to handle conflict more authentically.
Layer 5: Unmet Needs & Unexpressed Expectations
This is about what’s happening now.
It arises when we feel our needs or expectations aren’t being met. Conflict here almost always stems from a lack of communication and a lack of boundaries/self-respect.
By identifying and articulating what we actually need or expect, we can address the heart of the issue without unnecessary escalation.
Layer 6: Present Perfection & Future Vision
In the 6th layer, conflict arises when we sense a gap between where we are and where we want to be.
This layer often taps into our inner critic or our vision of an “ideal” self, leaving us feeling “not good enough.” To ease conflict here, it’s helpful to practice enough-ness in the process of achieving excellence which we explored last week.
Accepting our present version while holding our future versions can turn inner tension into motivation.
Layer 7: Dharmic Themes
The last layer involves the soul-level themes or “dharmic” challenges we’re here to explore.
These themes are like gravitational pulls that guide us toward certain lessons.
It’s said that conflict at this level will repeat until we understand the deeper lesson it offers.
Recognizing our recurring challenges as dharmic themes helps us embrace them as opportunities for growth and transformation, rather than as obstacles.
If you’re getting the same conflicts over and over and over again, this might be a sign that you’re called to confront yourself in a deeper way.
I hope that this framework is valuable to you.
Conflict is always going to be a part of our lives. Growth requires confrontation. But just because it’s confronting, doesn’t mean it has to be chaotic or even feel negative.
It’s a great time for us to get really adept at conflict navigation so we can role-model the kind of self-awareness that the world needs more of.