I often hear from people that they’re looking for like-minded friendships.
It had me wondering what that really means. That statement often comes from people who are philosophical and open-minded so I know they aren’t saying they want friends who all think the same.
They know that when we limit ourselves to surface-level like-mindedness and only surround ourselves with people who share the same views, we risk becoming trapped in echo chambers and start missing out on the growth that comes from engaging with the world that’s outside of our own.
It makes sense to me, that “like-minded” in this context is actually referring to people who share our ways of engaging with the world and our quest for meaningful understanding.
We want friends who can challenge us, expand our perspectives, and help us grow in a way that’s uplifting, not constricting.
If I can speak for you, we want friends that are wise.
But what is wisdom?
It goes far beyond knowing lots of facts and information. In fact, it has very little to do with how much data you can store in your brain. So how do we spot it?
I had the pleasure of interviewing cognitive scientist John Vervaeke for our documentary “Dark Night of Our Soul.” You can watch his interview on Jessica’s YouTube channel. In the interview, he touched on a framework he’s become quite known for – the four types of knowing.
Each type of knowing contributes to a different dimension of wisdom. This can give us a holistic way to recognize and nurture the qualities we seek in ourselves and in our friendships.
- Propositional Knowing: The most familiar type, propositional knowing is the “knowing that” something is true. This is the realm of facts, beliefs, and information—what we typically think of when we consider “knowledge.” However, it’s also the most limited when it comes to fostering deep connections. Knowing facts doesn’t necessarily translate into wisdom or meaningful engagement.
- Procedural Knowing: This is the “knowing how”—the knowledge of skills and practices. It’s the type of knowing that comes from doing and engaging with the world directly, like learning to play an instrument, cook a meal, or navigate a difficult conversation. Friends who value procedural knowing are those who are committed to growth through practice and experience. They are the ones who push us to not just talk about life but to live it fully.
- Perspectival Knowing: This type of knowing is about understanding “what it is like” to see the world from a particular vantage point. It’s rooted in empathy, intuition, and the ability to adopt different perspectives. People who honour perspectival knowing are those who can hold space for diverse experiences, who listen deeply, and who challenge us to see beyond our own biases. They aren’t interested in agreeing for the sake of agreement; they value the richness that comes from truly understanding one another’s worlds.
- Participatory Knowing: The deepest form of knowing, participatory knowing involves engaging with the world in a way that transforms both the self and the environment. It’s about “being” in a way that is inspiring. Friends who practice participatory knowing are the ones who are present, they dive deep into their experiences, and they invite us to do the same. They help us grow by encouraging us to step beyond the role of passive observer and become active participants in life.
If we want to cultivate friendships that are truly “like-minded” in the most meaningful sense, we should look for those who embody these diverse ways of knowing. Friends who understand facts and concepts but also know how to apply them; friends who are open to different perspectives and who embrace the transformative process of being present and engaged in their growth and in ours.
So, as you move forward, think about the people in your life and the new friendships you want to build.
Ask yourself: Who are the friends that help me practice all four types of knowing? Who encourages me to grow, not just in what I know, but in how I live, understand, and engage with the world?
Wisdom in friendship is not about sameness. It’s about finding those who resonate with the deeper ways of engaging with life—who seek truth not just in what is said, but in what is lived.
When we find these friends, we find a community of fellow adventurers who can help us become more of who we are meant to be.
And for those who are a little more humble and intrepid, you can dip into the realm of farsighted leadership which is cultivating wisdom in others. More on this later.