In last week’s newsletter, we touched on how various forms of capital (intellectual, experiential, social, and more) can shape a fulfilling life.
But there’s another element we can’t overlook in this process: the way we approach boundaries.
We all know we need to have boundaries. The thing is if you’re, let’s say, a family man, or someone who’s intimately integrated with people who matter to you, boundaries can become challenging.
The problem with boundaries is that we either:
- Don’t have them really at all or
- Create them as defensive walls meant to keep others out to protect our own energy and time.
Being too open and wishy washy with your time and energy can be disastrous to your well-being and goals. But you know that.
Today I want to focus on the latter – when your boundaries are too rigid. This is common among people who have a high drive to achieve, experience the most out of life, and want to stay true to themselves.
This perspective on boundaries is limiting in a different kind of way. So, I’d like to propose a different approach to boundaries – again inspired by nature herself.
The Edge Effect
A solution to control the environment, whether it’s preventing floods, containing wildlife, or protecting resources, has been to build walls and dams. We’ve learned since, these structures have unintended consequences. They disrupt the delicate balance of ecosystems.
A dam can devastate downstream ecosystems, reduce biodiversity, and create stagnant reservoirs that can become breeding grounds for disease.
Dams can solve an immediate problem for us, but they often do so at the cost of long-term health and harmony of everything else.
Now if we look at our own lives, when we set boundaries that are like dams, boundaries that are rigid, impermeable, diverting and defensive, we may feel protected and disciplined in the short term.
But this approach can also cut us off from the enriching flow of experiences, relationships, and opportunities. A “dam-boundary” can lead to a stunted ability to grow and adapt, not to mention feeling like you’re a human robot void of passion and flexibility.
What if instead of creating boundaries as walls, we looked at boundaries more like ecosystems with fertile edges.
In nature, the most productive and diverse areas are found at the edges where different ecosystems converge. It’s at these intersections that the magic happens: different plants thrive, ecosystems balance, new life is born.
This concept is known as the “edge effect.”
You can see this where the shallows and depths of the oceans meet: coral reefs. Where the ocean meets land: culturally thriving port cities. Where forest meets the road: wildflowers.
Now in this context, one’s personal ecosystem could be considered a combination of mind, body and soul:
- Mind: Our thoughts, beliefs, and mental processes. It’s the centre of our awareness, decision-making, and the stories we tell ourselves.
- Body: Our physical form and the means through which we interact with the world. It includes all our biological functions, sensations, and movements.
- Soul: The unique essence of who we are, carrying our personal journey, lessons, and purpose.
When you refine your ecosystem to flourish, that’s called having resolve.
Resolve is a state of inner clarity, focus, and purposeful action. Resolve is not just about determination or willpower in the conventional sense; it’s about aligning your actions with your purpose and creating a satiating sustainable flow of energy in your life.
If you imagine yourself as one kind of mind-body-soul ecosystem and someone else in your life being another. Where your lives meet can become this fertile edge – zones of potential, where different parts of your lives can coexist, interact, and flourish.
These intersections with others then have the opportunity to be vibrant meeting points where different perspectives, skills, or ideas come together. Reason being in part due to the friction and interaction between different elements stimulating new thinking and feeling.
Now this is all well and good if your ecosystem is flourishing and you’re intersecting with other flourishing systems. If you have resolve and your tribe has resolve, the edges are packed with easy opportunity.
As Jim Rohn famously said, you are the average of the five people you spend the most time with. This makes a strong case for surrounding yourself with people who have resolve as well.
But what happens when a flourishing ecosystem meets a non-flourishing system. If you have edges that are merging with yours that are diseased or disfunctional – what do we do?
Flourishing Meets Non-flourishing
The more you can stand in resolve with your mind-body-soul ecosystem, the more you can embrace your edges as filters, not barriers. Instead of blocking out the dysfunction beyond your ecosystem, you can selectively allow in what’s needed to nurture growth and creativity.
Non-flourishing Meets Non-flourishing
Now is there ever a time to build a dam in your life? I’d say yes. If two non-flourishing systems meet, it makes sense to me that quarantine, some space, temporary or permanent might be needed so that each person doesn’t continue to enable the other’s non-flourishing cycle.
Sometimes you just gotta put up the damn dam, but realise that while doing so may help short term there are usually consequences down the road if things are left unresolved.
So how do we do all of this?
Refine your flourishing ecosystem:
- Mind: Build a practice that nurtures mental clarity, emotional intelligence, and resilience to help you navigate life with a healthy, balanced mindset.
- Body: Build a practice that emphasises honouring its needs through nourishment, rest, and physical activity, ensuring it remains strong and healthy.
- Soul: Build a practice that involves connecting with your deepest self, embracing authenticity, and aligning with your purpose.
Your practice becomes your boundaries: The more you participate in your practice, the more you stand in resolve with your boundaries. They begin to flow rather than be forcefully imposed.
Observe and Interact: Observe where your boundaries currently lie and how they interact with your environment. Are they rigid, or do they allow for growth and flow? Are they your boundaries? Meaning are they unique to yourself or have they been inherited through your genes, epigenetics and conditioning?
Design for Resilience: Set boundaries that not only protect but also encourage positive change and adaptability. Consider how your boundaries can support both your well-being and your goals.
Embrace the Edge: Lean into discomfort at the boundary zones. These are the areas where personal development happens, where we test and refine our values and needs. Innovation doesn’t typically come from comfort zones; it arises in the tension of navigating differences. Boundaries, when set intentionally and thoughtfully, create a structured space where this tension can be productive rather than destructive.
Design for Coexistence, Not Exclusion: Anticipate and embrace the needs of others without compromising your well-being or goals. It’s about creating spaciousness and generosity within your boundaries that allow for interaction without detriment.